How do you parent teenagers without fear as a Christian mom?
Lead with trust instead of control, stay curious instead of reactive, and keep the relationship at the center of everything. Ashley James, a mom of four with kids ages 19, 17, 14, and 12, says the teen years can be the stage you love most when you've spent years building connection and living your faith for real, not just teaching rules. Her advice for moms already dreading it: double down on love.
By Marina Tolentino | October 13, 2026
Raise your hand if you've already started bracing for the teenage years.
Hi, that's me. My oldest is eleven and my youngest is six, and I've caught myself projecting. Who will my daughter be at sixteen? Will my son still tell me things? I've been rehearsing a version of the teen years that hasn't even happened yet.
Then I sat down with Ashley James, and she basically told every mom listening: stop being terrified of teenagers.
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Ashley is a content creator, the worship and creative arts lead at her church in San Angelo, Texas, and a mom of four. Her oldest is already married and launched. Three teens are still at home. And she loves this stage.
Not because it's easy. Because she's been building toward it for years.
Why the teen years can be the best ones
When I asked Ashley what she loves about teenagers, she didn't hesitate. She loves talking to them. She loves hearing their ideas. She loves watching them figure out what they're good at and what they care about — even when they see things differently than she does.
That's the part we forget when we're in the toddler trenches. The goal was always for them to become their own people.
I teach a parenting class at our church, and we talk about how a parent's role shifts over time:
- When they're little, you're the one in charge
- Then you become the trainer
- Then the coach
- Eventually, the friend and mentor
If the early training happens, you get to loosen the reins later and actually enjoy them. Ashley is living proof. Her 19-year-old and his wife FaceTime her to talk through decisions — not because they have to, but because they want to.
That doesn't happen by accident. It comes from years of relational investment. Some parents get a wake-up call when their kid leaves for college and two months go by without a call. The fear of the teen years is really a fear that they'll pull away and we won't have built enough to bring them back.
As Ashley put it, everything comes back to the relationship.
How to get your teenager to actually talk to you
Ashley created a guide on raising teenagers who talk, so I asked her for the secret. Her answer was simpler than I expected.
Don't pressure them. Nobody likes a million questions fired at them, boys or girls. But do ask questions — the right kind, the kind that show you care.
When her kids come to her with friend drama or a problem, she skips the "well, here's what you should do" and asks two questions instead:
- How do you feel about that?
- What do you think about that?
Then she lets them talk. A lot of times, they don't even know what they think yet. Those questions give them room to figure it out.
That's the difference between a curiosity question and an "I already know you're guilty" question. One opens the door. The other slams it shut.
And the door doesn't open on a schedule. Ashley finds her best conversations in the in-between moments:
- Turning the music down in the car
- Sitting down for a snack together
- Going up and sitting on their bed
- Scrolling on phones side by side
Just show up whenever you can. That's when they want to talk anyway. (If presence is the thing you're wrestling with right now, I unpacked that more in how to be present as a Christian working mom.)
Want a head start on those conversations? Ashley put together a free guide on raising teenagers who talk, with the practical tools she uses in her own home to keep the door open. Get the free guide here.
What moms do that makes teens stop talking
I asked Ashley what moms do that makes a kid think, "I'm never telling Mom that again." Her answer convicted me.
Control.
We don't want them to get hurt. We don't want them to fail. We don't want them left out. We don't want them to make the family look bad. So we hammer down on the behavior.
But that focuses on the outside. Ashley's shift is to ask what's going on in their heart and why they're making those choices in the first place. Find the root.
And yes, they will make mistakes. They're people. One mistake isn't a verdict on their whole character. It's a speed bump. Go back, review the footage, and talk about how to do it better next time.
The same goes for phones. Ashley's family leads with trust: clear expectations, a lot of freedom, and regular check-ins on what they're watching. They extend trust until a kid shows they aren't earning it anymore. When her oldest snuck Snapchat before he was allowed, it got handled — and the relationship stayed intact. (For the bigger picture on kids and screens, our earlier episode on why our kids are more anxious than ever is worth a listen.)
Trust over control. Every time.
Raising kids who choose Jesus for themselves
All four of Ashley's kids have chosen to follow Jesus. So I had to ask: how?
Her answer wasn't a curriculum or a school choice. Her family has done homeschool, public school, and online school, and one of her sons thrived in public middle school before deciding he wanted to come back home. Along the way, she noticed homeschooling alone wasn't producing kids who loved Jesus. The heart is deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9). It's what's on the inside that corrupts a person, not what's on the outside.
Environment matters. But environment doesn't cure the human heart. (If your family is weighing school options right now, we've talked about that on the podcast too — start with real talk on homeschooling.)
What made the difference, she says, is that she and her husband have tried to follow Jesus as genuinely as possible:
- Not a bunch of rules
- Not something they only do on the weekend
- Something that changed their life and their home
Kids can spot a fake from a mile away. They know whether you're truly seeking or putting on a performance.
So when her kids bring hard questions home — from friends who don't know Jesus, or from something they saw online — Ashley doesn't skirt around it. She answers honestly, and when she doesn't know, they figure it out together. She wants her kids empowered, not afraid.
This is the heart of what I'm writing about in my book, The Hidden Deception: Raising Kids Who Don't Drift from Jesus. God doesn't promise our kids will follow Him. But a home where faith is real gives them something solid to come back to when life gets loud.
Turn your values into words your kids will repeat
One of my favorite parts of this conversation: the James family mantras.
Ashley's not a naturally intentional person — she calls herself type B. But she stopped to ask what character she was trying to build underneath all the tasks. Not just "share your toys" but "we're generous." Not just "stop fighting" but "the way we talk to each other matters."
Then she turned those values into phrases her family could repeat:
- "The James Gang doesn't complain."
- "The James Gang sticks together."
It sounds a little cheesy. It works. Recently, when drama broke out with a group of teens at their house for the weekend, one of her own kids asked, "What happened to the James Gang sticks together?"
That's a value that took root.
If you're already dreading the teen years
I asked Ashley what she'd tell a mom with little ones who's afraid her kids will rebel, or walk away from their faith, once they hit their teens.
"Double down on love."
Keep the boundaries. Keep the discipline. But show them a love that's always there, no matter what they choose. That kind of love is transformational.
And don't psych yourself out. They're the same little people, just a little bit older.
So I'm trading my fear picture for a better one. Instead of rehearsing worst-case scenarios, I'm speaking life over who my kids are becoming. Fear isn't from God, and it's a terrible parenting strategy anyway.
The teen years can be some of the best you'll have together. If you want the whole conversation, Ashley's stories about her own four kids are worth every minute. Subscribe so you don't miss what's next on the podcast, and grab Ashley's free guide to raising teenagers who talk. You can find her on Instagram and TikTok at @weareashandchris.
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About Marina Tolentino
Marina Tolentino is a REALTOR®, author, and the host of the Work Like A Mother podcast, where she helps Christian working moms feel confident about their next move — at home, in faith, and in business. Listen and subscribe at marinatolentino.com/podcast.
