How to Make Real Friends After a Move: 4 Questions to Ask
How do you make real friends after moving to a new place?
Skip the surface-level small talk and ask questions that reveal someone's story. Four of them do the heavy lifting: where you grew up, your siblings and birth order, whether you grew up with both parents, and any real challenge from your childhood you're willing to share. Used with a little warmth, these questions move a relationship from polite coffee chat to the kind of friend you'd call in an emergency—often in about five minutes.
By Marina Tolentino | August 31, 2026
If you've ever moved somewhere new, you know the strange loneliness of starting over. You have coworkers. You have neighbors. You have plenty of friendly faces at the school pickup line. What you don't have—yet—are the people who show up when life falls apart.
I was reminded of this at a stoplight, of all places, and had to pull over to get the thought down. Because here's the truth most of us feel but rarely say out loud: we don't just want good friends. We want great ones. And when you're only going to be somewhere for three or four years—a job transfer, a military PCS, a season of life—you don't have time to wait around for those friendships to slowly form.
So what's the filter? How do you go from "wow, this is somebody I can call in an emergency" to actually getting there without spending a year of Saturday coffees to find out?
It turns out there's a shortcut—and it came from an unexpected place.
The four questions that skip the small talk
I heard these from the Army's General of Human Resources, who spoke as the keynote at the Association of the United States Army convention. She asks the same four questions of every new hire and every person who transfers into her office. Her goal isn't to interview them—it's to humanize them. To understand the person, not just the job title.
That framing stuck with me, because it's exactly what's missing when you're new somewhere. Watch me break down where this came from at 0:40. Here's the part worth stealing: these aren't nosy questions. They're doorways. Each one hands the other person a natural invitation to tell you who they really are.
1. Where did you grow up?
This sounds basic. It isn't. The first question lands around 1:14, and it opens a door most people are happy to walk through.
When someone asks me, I don't just say "Washington State." I say I grew up on the eastern, dry side—Columbia Valley, small farm town of about 5,000 people, rolling hills of wheat and vineyards, the kind of place with cherry and apple orchards and a high school football team that went to state four years running. I was one of two Asian kids in my school. My mom did nails. That's a lot of texture in thirty seconds—and it tells you far more about me than my resume ever would.
The point isn't the geography. It's that "where did you grow up" invites the story underneath the answer. Ask it, then actually listen to the part they add on their own.
2. How many siblings do you have—and what's your birth order?
Birth order is a shortcut to how someone moves through the world. The oldest often carries responsibility differently than the baby of the family. An only child learns to entertain themselves and read a room.
When I answer, it gets complicated fast—half-brother ten years older, different fathers, a brother who left home at sixteen. Functionally, I grew up as an only child from about the age of six. That single detail explains a lot about how I operate: more eldest-or-only than baby sister. You learn that about a person in one question, and suddenly their instincts make sense.
3. Did you grow up with both parents?
This one carries weight, and you ask it gently. Family structure shapes almost everything—how someone handles conflict, what "home" means to them, who they lean on.
My own answer is a winding one. My mom is on her third marriage. The stepfather I grew up with is still married to her, coming up on thirty years, but he isn't a father figure in my life today. The family that raised me, really, was my best friend's family, who took me in as their hānai daughter in high school—breakfast every morning, family dinner every night at five, a standing stocking at Christmas. Blood or not, they became my safe place, and my kids call them grandparents to this day.
I share that not because it's tidy, but because it's honest. And honesty is what turns an acquaintance into a friend.
Relocating to Oahu and starting your whole life over—new home, new schools, new circle? Finding the right neighborhood is a big part of finding your people, and that's exactly the kind of thing I help families think through. Book a free 15-minute call and let's talk through where you'll actually feel at home.
4. Is there anything really challenging from your childhood you'd like to share?
This is how that HR director closes her conversations, and it's the most powerful of the four—because it's an invitation, not a demand. Some people open up. Some say "not yet," and that's a real answer too. Either way, you've signaled that you're a safe person to be honest with.
When I answer it, I talk about growing up with a stepfather raised under a strict military household in a different era—and the emotional weight that came with it. I've made peace with it. I've forgiven and moved on. But sharing it, even briefly, tells you where I came from and who I've become. That's the whole point: within five minutes of a few good questions, you have a completely different understanding of the person across the coffee table.
Why this matters more when you're new
Here's what I've learned the hard way. When my family moved to Alameda, California with the Coast Guard, I knew almost no one. I was so hungry for connection that I joined the spouses club—not really my crowd, but I was that desperate. Three years there, and I never rooted into a real group. Same story when we moved to San Diego.
It wasn't until Hawaii that things changed—partly because my grandparents are from here and it felt like coming home, but mostly because I finally got plugged into a community with a weekly connect group. That's where the surface-level stuff fell away. When you get into vulnerable, real conversations, you stop being strangers with shared zip codes and start being people with shared lives.
Great friendships still take time and investment—there's no hack for showing up consistently. But these four questions shorten the runway. They get you to the real conversation faster, which is exactly what you need when you don't have years to spare.
If you hate the idea of "working a room" to meet people, you're not alone—I've written before about a gentler approach to connecting that skips the forced networking. And if you're moving to the island with little ones in tow, my guide to relocating to Oahu with kids covers the community side of the move, not just the logistics. (For a peek at how my own unusual path—including keeping bees—shapes how I connect with people, that story's there too.)
Save these for your next season
Whether you're meeting a new coworker, walking into a new church, or standing in a new neighborhood wondering how you'll ever build a life here—these four questions are priceless. Where did you grow up. How many siblings and what birth order. Did you grow up with both parents. And, when the moment's right, is there anything challenging from your childhood you'd like to share.
Moving is one of the biggest resets a family goes through, and where you land shapes who you'll meet. That's the part I love helping with. If Oahu is your next chapter—or you're weighing whether it should be—grab a free 15-minute consultation and let's talk through your move, your neighborhood, and the community you're hoping to find.
About Marina Tolentino
Marina Tolentino is a real estate agent serving the Oahu area. She has helped over 100 first-time buyers and growing families feel confident about finding homes that fit their lives, and shares practical market insights through her YouTube channel and blog. Connect with Marina at https://marinatolentino.com.
